100 degrees

I look at my son everyday and think.. I made that. That amazing little miracle used to live INSIDE of me. How weird is that? You can spout all you want about the miracle of life and a womans work all day long. A living thing inside of you is weird. When I was pregnant I tended to refer to the baby as my little parasite... Not very appealing but definitely an accurate term. Now that he's an outside baby I just can't get over how perfect he is. Sure he spits up.. He has especially good aim when I'm wearing black. He's actually pooped, pee'd and puked on me over the course of a one hour period but for some reason it doesn't matter. That kid pretty much defines me. He and my husband have given me everything I've wanted out life and then some. And then there's the but....


I still want to finish my degree. College has been six years in the making.. Five if you count all the semesters I've taken off and I'm still at least a year out from finishing. I really feel disappointed in myself for not finishing sooner. I want to be able to do everything and show Max that anything is possible. Yet somehow I'm starting to think that maybe I got it wrong. Maybe you can't have everything. There has to be a little give somewhere. Do I give and let my kid go to daycare so I can finish my degree? Do I put my college career on hold for a couple of years and then go back? Should i just finish online with a degree I don't really want? These are all questions that I really don't know the answer to. Not going back is simply not an option. Now finishing is just something that I just can't seem to grasp. Other people finish.. Why not me? I don't want Max in daycare.. and to be honest it's a huge expense on top of tuition. So it seems that I'm either going to have to go to school online or change what I want to do... and then theres the other but...


I have no clue what I want to do. I know what I don't want to do. In fact I can name more careers that I don't want than careers that I'd be okay with. This seems to be a problem. I know I need to grow up. In fact I'm about 90% grown up.. but I still need to get that brass ring. I want to cross that stage, hear my name and frame that degree. Why is it so hard for me?

I used to think that I'd go to law school. Now that doesn't seem feasible. I don't even want to be that kind of working mom. Then I thought i'd teach.. but I'm not sure that's for me either.. although the summers and vacations off would be sweet. I need to figure out a future and do it pretty quick. Otherwise I'm going to be another person who settled for her MRS degree. Theres a 100 different options... I just need to figure it out.

I know I can't do everything but apart of becoming a mommy is providing a path for you kids. I don't want my childrens path not to include college. It's pretty hypocritical to expect something out of someone that you haven't achieved yourself.